Whatcha want

Day … 8… I think?:

As promised I am giving a prompt update on where I’m at on my list of quarantasks, lol.

  •  I’ve read approximately 4 pages, in their entirety, of a paperback book. Showing real promise.
  • Attempted a run on Monday. A whopping failure, will not be making that mistake again.
  •  Weekly spending was moderate.
  •  I didn’t send the f–king birthday packages.
  •  Still eating too much ramen.
  • Still listening to the same shitty music.
  • Did a little bit of home improvements.
  • Finally did laundry.
  • Dyed my hair purple (only temporary I promise, however, I’m feeling all sorts of mystical and I do not hate it.)

In other news, I’ve been very busy with work. The urge to online shop has not gone away and I am about to give in.

Today is Saturday. As expected, it hardly feels any different than a weekday, except for the fact that I am not working today, despite the additional fact that I probably should be. Today is also the first day of being alone in the apartment during this quarantine, which hopefully for an extroverted introvert like myself will be kind of nice.

I’ve decided to add two more goals to the quarantasks list.

  • Stop adding “lol” to every text
  • And figure out what it is that I want.

In my career, in love, in life. Right now and forever. Big and small.

Here is what I know so far.

More than anything I want to have passions. Deep, big, meaningful, real, breath-stealing passions. I want to care so much about the someones and somethings that drive me WILD.

Sometimes you have to figure out what you don’t want to figure out what you do want.

I’ve struggled with confidence for a good amount of my conscious life, so I’m very well acquainted to the parts of myself I don’t like. Over the last few years I’ve been trying to find the parts of myself I do like, and try to focus on them more.

I don’t want easy. I don’t want to “live in fear” and I’m starting to truly understand exactly what both of those things mean.

I don’t want normal. I don’t want simple or safe or boring.

I’m scared that sometimes in fear of the horrible I choose the safe. I choose the temporary happiness, or settle for the less than passionate paths because they offer more stability or potential sanity. I want exceptional, and many a time you can’t get exceptional without the horrible too.

Unfortunately, fear is a part of myself, a part that I have been really not liking lately.

This world has a funny way of turning you around sometimes. Fear used to be a part of myself I actually liked a lot. I used to enjoy the side of me that was afraid of things like not remembering, or of dying without ever truly living. This kind of fear can motivate me and protect me from a life I don’t want.

I want the extreme emotions. The kind of emotions that are all-encompassing, and therefore, scary.

I know that nothing worth having ever comes easy.

I want to love and care about things so much that losing them would be earth shattering, but i dont want the fear of that happening to stop me from having that love and care in the first place.

Recently I’ve been finding myself letting the bad kind of fear takeover subconsciously. The type of fear that is trying too hard to protect me from feeeling the horrible, and stopping me from ever feeling the exceptional. The kind that inhibits me from having the aforementioned extreme emotions that I long for.

I want to write. I want to write because it helps me see more clearly. I need to read more to be able to write well. There are so many beautiful combinations of words that can be so moving and carry so much meaning that I want to tap into. I need to be inspired in able to inspire.

I also want true love more than anything. I want love that challenges me and makes me feel so deeply. I want to travel, I want to see all the beautiful places and all the beautiful things that I possibly can. I want to be honest with myself. Let me pause for a second because that one can be really hard to do when you start lying to yourself and you don’t even realize.  Sometimes it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole of being something you’re not, and the longer you stay down there the much harder it is to realize you are even down there at all.

My boss asked me not that long ago what I wanted, and I definitely didn’t know what to tell him. I know I want to learn and grow and keep figuring out what im good at and what I want for myself in my career. I know I don’t want to be one of those people that does the whole corporate thing then decides its not for them and talks about how they “did the whole corporate thing” and had an “aha moment.” I like corporate don’t get me wrong. I’m intrigued by it and I’m learning a lot from it. Do I see myself in this industry forever? I don’t know yet- probably not- but that will never stop me from wanting to succeed in it. Life will take me where I’m supposed to go. We are never locked into our circumstances, remember that the next time you feel trapped in a job. Even if it’s scary to let go of it if it feels safe, trust the feeling that there’s more for you out there, because there is even if it doesn’t come easily. That being said, there is no such thing as a dream entry level job or a perfect way to start in a new industry, and if you have either of those things, then then f-ck you. lol jk good for you but seriously go away. So like I said, nothing worth having comes easily. I want the journey to lead me where I’m supposed to be, and I trust that it will.

So I guess I know a little bit about what I want, and I know, I know, I’m young, but we only get one life and it’s very easy to get lost for extended periods of time, so let me figure it out while I’m young.

So with that I will rest. I will update again soon. Hopefully soon really means soon.



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